Friday, November 20, 2009

i've been feeling so tired and insipid recently without even realizing it
this entire week for some reason i just couldn't feel very joyful as if there was something keeping me from it. i was also having some trouble breathing, which is unusual. i could blame it on the cold that i semi-caught but didn't come down with anything, but i think it goes deeper than that.
at times i would be so thankful for God's grace but it fades away quickly. i couldn't help but feel like my prayers are shallow even though i want them to be deeper, i find myself praying for the same things over and over again.
knowing Servants was this weekend i felt like i should have prayed more but i really felt like i was losing the joy in worshiping Christ.
yes i know He is God.
yes i know He is worthy.
yes i know i must worship Him.
but it wasn't like when i first came back from Harvest and i thought about God all the time, how He was always on my mind. i really wanted to go back to how i just loved to be with Him and longed to spend time with Him and having Him be my strength to overcome everything.
it's so easy for us to say these things but to know them truly with our hearts is often times difficult. 
as Christians, we all go through ups and downs. even though i want to be up all the time, as human it is impossible. but i believe God uses those times to teach us and help us to grow in Him.
and at the same time He provides, like i think i really needed encouragement and reassurance of His love

then tonight i came across Esther Min's post on Desert Song:

My fellow sisters in Christ,

This song has been on my heart for a while and I wanted to share it with you all. God knows and cares for you and the condition of your heart. Sometimes we become circumstantial worshippers. Worshipping God when we want to, when it is convenient for us, or when we really need Him. Personally for me, life has been quite a rocky journey. These days it's been really hard for me to worship and pray onto Him with a genuine heart. Let me encourage both you and I with this... No matter what circumstance you are in... we worship a God who does not change. He still sits on the throne and loves us both. His promises are still true. God is bigger than our circumstances.

This song actually hit me when I was in the parking garage at school. haha... I had a worship session in my car =P During hard times when you feel like you are in the desert. Trust in the Lord and let the circumstance you are in refine you and make you stronger.

Stand firm sisters~

Jill McCloghry & Brooke Fraser (Hillsong) - Desert Song

This is my prayer in the desert
And all that's within me feels dry
This is my prayer in the hunger in me
My God is a God who provides

And this is my prayer in the fire
In weakness or trial or pain
There is a faith proved
Of more worth than gold
So refine me Lord through the flames

And I will bring praise
I will bring praise
No weapon forged against me shall remain

I will rejoice
I will declare
God is my victory and He is here

And this is my prayer in the battle
And triumph is still on it's way
I am a conqueror and co-heir with Christ
So firm on His promise I'll stand

All of my life
In every season
You are still God
I have a reason to sing
I have a reason to worship

This is my prayer in the harvest
When favor and providence flow
I know I'm filled to be emptied again
The seed I've received I will sow

this post was a tremendous blessing for me. being often very slow at realizing my own emotions, as tears started down my face i saw just how tired i was from everything and how much i failed to see God's character in just how much He loves me.

with everything that's just been going on at home and with church, life definitely has not been easy.
my mom came back from her business trip this week and she's completely stressed out because her boss' biggest client fired him. she's worried about perhaps losing her job if the firm decides to fire her boss.
i think she's mad at me because she doesn't really talk to me even when i try to talk with her asking how her day went. part of it i'm sure is because of what's going on at work but even though i understand it still hurts me and i really wish that she would be more loving or at least communicate what's going on. being the love me that i am, having my mom clearly show that she doesn't want me around takes quite a toll on me. another thing is i'm sure she's not very happy about me going to taiwan. in some ways i really think that she felt like i chose sides with my dad even though honestly he has been a terrible father to my brother and i. it's difficult to convey to her that even though i understand that, i feel like God is calling me to reach out to him. she continues to live in fear of him coming back into our lives and ruining everything she's worked so hard to build. at the same time she really doesn't like that i spend so much time doing church stuff which is pretty discouraging.

gosh i'm seriously just complaining a lot. i hope no one reads this

the other thing is i'm going to church at kcpw but discipleship training at andc. i think neither pastors like what i'm doing-__- when i chose, in my heart i wanted to be where i can grow the most and that ended up being kcpw. more than anything else, i think it's because the audience for the sermons are targeted towards college kids and young adults whereas pc has to prepare sermons which middle school kids can understand and at the same time have it be helpful to college and young adults. being spiritually older, i really do believe that we need spiritual food that will help us to go deeper than those who are younger.
so sometimes i think that makes things difficult at slts. they know i'm not at their church and i know i'm not at their church but i come out to slts and large groups. at times i can feel kind of excluded being non-korean and non-congregational member. and to be honest, this hurts me as well.
while they were assigning the jobs today, i wish that i could do some of those things. i'd have loved to been the photographer and be on the welcoming committee.
there are times when i wonder if i should just switch churches and go to andc instead, but i can't leave without considering the feelings of others.
for me, this is still something i have turmoils about and a topic i'll be praying about at Servants. is not Christ one body and one church? why this division then?
always remind myself, it's not about what p.paul or p.cliff thinks, but what i do should be what is pleasing to God and not men.

i really try not to care about what anyone says by reminding myself that no matter what they think of me, i know i am a worse sinner. this honestly has been very helpful for me because i know that it is true.
but in the end it takes much more than just continuously saying that to myself because in my sinful heart i still want the approval of others.
so back to what i was initially writing about after all that ramblings in the middle.
seriously, reading Esther's post really showed me once again God's love.
I really loved it when she said,
"These days it's been really hard for me to worship and pray onto Him with a genuine heart. Let me encourage both you and I with this... No matter what circumstance you are in... we worship a God who does not change. He still sits on the throne and loves us both. His promises are still true. God is bigger than our circumstances."
It's of great comfort to know that we have a God who is unchanging and loves us the same even though we are unfaithful and don't desire to come to Him.
I also loved what Brooke said in the video,
"It's just a real emotional moment and just her standing there and glorifying God in the midst of her lost and her tragedy means that the devil lost what he was trying to achieve."
i don't know why i've never realized this but indeed satan does try to keep us from worshiping God by throwing all these things into our lives and so keep us from being satisfied and comforted in Christ.
I remember Mrs.Kim telling me that satan is jealous that God loves us so much and because he cannot do anything to God, instead he attacks the people as to keep us away from Him and hurt God this way.
Lord Jesus, help us. We are weak people and we cannot do anything but You are strong! Be our strength Lord I pray, help us to be deeper with You God. In Jesus' name i pray, Amen.

 Thanks Esther, i was indeed very encouraged:)

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